for the most part of two years, now, i have posted something here every day, barring a few intentional breaks on account of intentional digital detox, and usually followed by some larger piece borne of that time away.

recently, however, gaps have emerged. i will tell you: these breaks in posting here reflect my disengagement with much else in my life, too. all that happens and no longer happens when hopelessness overcomes all will to act. perhaps this is ultimately appropriate, if i consider this space to be an artefact i am building as an expression of my life.

i keep chewing, recently, on this truth: the problem is that i am me.

but i was me when i was happy, too. and i have been happy, sometimes. and i want to be happy. i am trying. i am really trying.

in that spirit, and in the spirit of Fran's Joyrides, i wanted to list some of the joy-apposite things in my life right now:

1. the laugh i got when i finally reached the line "do i look like a bleeding atmosphere?" in Zoe Skoulding's most recent poetry collection, "do i look like an atmosphere?" just incredible.
2. the joy i inspired in my friends with my country style rendition of the pokemon theme song
3. new-friend-crush (verwickelt; kompliziert; hey - i'm still me)
4. i have another gig coming up, and i have written a few songs i think are not bad.
5. i got fucked just so.
6. i received a physical letter from one of my close friends who recently moved away.
7. i organised my vinyl collection, and came upon the pressing of "Love Over Gold" that it appears i must have nabbed from my parents, stamped with their names as it is. i don't have much of a relationship with my parents anymore. the love of music, and the music they introduced me to, feels like maybe it's one of the only real connections i still have with them, one-sided though it may be. indeed, their encouragement of my interest in vinyl is the reason i even have a record collection, despite not being rich, as i was able to pick up so much of the music i love for pennies from car boot sales, years before vinyl become cool (and thus expensive) again. these are some of the only happy memories of my childhood, and i treasure them, along with the artefacts i retain from them.
8. moreover, this particular record is hilariously warped. i played the side that's taken up almost entirely by 'telegraph road,' expecting it to be unlistenable. the artefacts, flanging, scratching, all that, somehow, actually enhanced the song, powerful as it is to begin with. i cried the whole way through. it's a sad song, but, there was a real profound synthesis, uniquity, and beauty, there.
9. i am teaching a friend to play the guitar, and it is wonderful to experience watching someone fall in love with the instrument, as i once did.
10. i spend so much of my energy trying not to inflict myself on other people, and it is exhausting. today, i was able to have a conversation with a friend during which i was able to be really honest about how i feel, while not feeling at all that i was hurting them by doing so. i think it helped me a lot.
11. i was invited and introduced to a wonderful and mysterious place online. and that's all i will say about that.
12. at work, i kicked up a fuss after a colleague sloppified my academic article by feeding it through an LLM, because they did not understand it, and thought it should be simplified. i disagree with this on principle, though it was made so much worse by the fact that the output removed any and all interesting science from the thing. accordingly, i refused to have my name associated with a submission of this LLM-degeneration of my work, and protested the disrespect of the act. this, of course, caused all kinds of trouble, eventually involving the senior management team, and i have probably damaged my career over it. eventually, however, i was granted the permission to write the article myself, after i finally called them on an ultimatum-style bluff wherein i was told that my name must be on it, or there would be no publication.

maybe these aren't all entirely joyful things. but maybe they make life worth living. it's not all bad.